Masing-masing kita hanyalah pengecut
Memilih untuk bungkam dan disiksa bayang-bayang kemungkinan tanpa henti
Lihatlah mereka para pemilik hati yang berani!
Mereka sampaikan suka, mereka bisikkan duka demi menguapkan prasangka
Dengan dada dibusungkan mereka melangkah dengan teguh
Menghadapi kenyataan kegembiraan yang menenangkan
Atau kegamblangan lara yang menyesakkan..

2016 and 2017 were two years that shaped me a lot. I encountered great new things and great people, experienced unexpected things that I thought would never happen to me and faced challenges and trials that made me learn myself. Yes, it is right when someone said that to see who somebody really is, challenge him.

That period was the lowest point I have ever been in my life. At some points I have even attempted suicide. My depression got severe and I didn’t even aware of that until I seeked for professional help. I pushed people away and I withdrew myself from the world. I was aware that I was not healthy. Something was happening and I didn’t know what’s going on inside me or how to handle it. I tried to find way to fix it. I told people around me and they were just as clueless as I was and thus made me lost my faith in anyone.

But it’s all now in my past and I am grateful that it happened. Without that experience, I would still be a heartless person lacking empathy. Now I know how it feels like to be at that lowest and I could appreciate and understand people better. So this past is one that I am not  willing to forget or throw away despite the pain that grow in my chest each time I recalled. I will embrace it now.

I used to deny every bad things happened to me to the point that I don’t even remember anything from my past or how I felt. That is one factor that is responsible for my unstable mental condition and my troubled memory. Now I am trying to recover my troubled memory by having my visual diary on tumblr. Writing and photography has helped me a lot. I was beyond upset after I found out that tumblr was restricted. It’s significant for me so I am still using it anyway.

Some people are just lucky enough to born with the ability to love and feel loved. Meanwhile some others still struggling their whole life to love or to feel loved. Then when they finally able to feel it, they still need to fight to keep it alive and manifest it.

Aku lelah dan muak menyaksikan manusia mencoba membunuh kemanusiaan insan lain.

“Begitu saja sedih. Dasar gak bersyukur!”

“Jangan menangis! Kamu lemah sekali!”

“Menjijikkan! Hapus air matamu!”

Memilukan, menyaksikan mereka yang kemudian menahan air matanya, menyangkal setiap emosi yang muncul, membunuh kemanusiaan mereka sendiri.

Manusia yang melarang, merendahkan dan menganggap lemah mereka yang meluapkan emosi/perasaan adalah manusia yang tidak memahami keluhuran esensi diri, tidak menghargai kejujuran dan telah kehilangan keteguhan.

ingatan

Jam digital di atas pintu gerbong menunjukkan angka 00.20.

Sudah lebih dari setengah perjalanan dari Bandung menuju Jogja.

Kamu tahu? Tentu tidak.

Hari ini aku melakukan kecerobohan, aku berangkat ke stasiun dan menemukan bahwa tiket yang kupesan adalah tiket keberangkatan esok. Tapi aku terlalu rindu naik kereta untuk menunggu sampai esok. Jadi aku membeli tiket lagi.

Kamu tahu? Tentu tidak.

Di dalam gerbong kereta malam ini, aku kedinginan. Tidak seperti biasanya, akhir-akhir ini aku sering merasa kedinginan. Lalu

di atas kursi di samping jendela ini,

aku berkali-kali mencari-cari posisi. Aku pikir aku resah. Tidak seperti biasanya, kali ini aku cemas dalam suatu perjalanan. 

Putri dalam Cermin

If one can be fail in loving, then I have failed many people..

But I am not making the list goes longer..

I am going to shorten it instead.

And the first name to be removed from the list...

 ...is my name.

[***]

Dalam bayang sendu kau ku sapa

Wahai putri dalam cerminku

Temani diriku terluka

Dalam bayang semu kau kupinta

Hapuskan sedihku, pancarkanlah senyummu

Buatlah diriku tertawa

Putri dalam Cermin - Sherina

Can you feel the love tonight?

Rindu dan Luka kembali menerjang pintu dan memaksa masuk. Malam ini aku tak berusaha mengusir wlaupun mereka mendekapku lebih kencang dari biasanya. Kubalas erat dekapan mereka. Malam ini aku mempersilakan mereka masuk dengan  santun tanpa amarah.

Kutarik daun pintu, hendak menutupnya agar kami dapat segera bergumul hingga fajar. Namun, tiba-tiba kulit tanganku diselimuti hangat. Aku berbalik dan menemukan tanganku dalam genggaman. Ia berdiri di sana menatapku lembut. 

Ia di sini. Ibu kami.

Hatiku bergetar dan kerongkonganku tersekat.

Ia sungguh di sini, memenuhi undangan tanpa alamat yang tak pernah berhenti kulayangkan dalam keputusasaan. Kukecup punggung tangan Sang Ibu. Hangat tubuhnya menguap, menyelinap masuk dan melehkan air mataku. 

***

Can you feel the love tonight?

You needn't look too far

Stealing through the night's uncertainties

Love is where they are

The Lion King - Can You Feel The Love Tonight

It's different now, gray faced, eyes burnt out

Flames are gone, my gloves are out

I have a feeling love's gone mad

We're too similar, losing our minds

With cabin fever, shut in confined spaces

Lost in the dark, my heart taken and resting on your heart

“winter” by Daughter

artwork by Alexander Milov 

“Terima kasih ya sudah mendengarkanku. It means a lot you know,” ia memadamkan bara di batang tembakaunya. Asap dari puntung itu menari-nari melebur dalam kepulan asap dari sisa-sisa sembilan puntung lainnya yang telah lebih dulu baranya dipadamkan. Untuk pertama kalinya, ruangan ini disesaki asap tembakau.

“Hey, it’s nothing. I am just listening. Percayalah, aku tahu rasanya. Aku sekali pun yang sudah melewatinya tak punya solusinya,” ujarku.

Ia tersenyum seraya menjatuhkan tubuhnya ke sofa.

“Ya, karena anggapanku bahwa kau pernah mengalami inilah yang menbuatku merasa bisa menceritakan perasaanku ini padamu. Lalu bagaimana kau melewati semua ini dengan begitu tenang? Kau tampak berhasil menikmatinya selama bertahun-tahun itu. Hampir seumur hidupmu bahkan. Sedangkan aku merasa tak sanggup melewati satu hari pun,” ucapnya sambil merogoh sakunya dan mengeluarkan satu batang tembakau lagi. Diselipkan tembakaunya di antara bibirnya yang gelap. “Aku tidak tahu. Rasanya aku hanya membiarkan semuanya mengalir begitu saja. I do not resist and deny any feelings occured,” ujarku. Ia memantik lighternya berulang kali namun api tak kunjung muncul dan melahap tembakau yang disodorkan di depannya. Ia melepaskan tembakau itu dari bibirnya.

“Tidak masuk akal. Kau paham kan apa yang kubicarakan sedari tadi? Bahwa aku frustasi karena aku mati rasa dan hampa. Apa yang tertinggal untuk bisa kurasakan?” Ia mencerca dengan nada menggebu. Kembali ia berusaha membakar tembakaunya.

“Uh, hello, Cal?” I jolt in recognition hearing the voice and almost drop my phone as I stare into the screen in disbelieve. 

Did I just misread?

The letter form the name I’ve been trying to get out of my mind all this time!

“Cal, are you there? Hello? You hear me?” 

I am trying to wake up. I kick my blanket stand in front of the mirror, checking myself out and make sure it really is me. 

Am I dreaming?

The frequency I’ve been longing to hear has just vibrate to my ears! 

“Cal, are you still upset? It’s been 2 years. You know how sorry I am,” 

“I told you I am so messed up. My mind, my heart, I’ve never been sure about them,” I continued. He looked me in the eye.

“You did tell me. But I never agree until I witnessed it by myself. You’re so naive in a way but too mistrustful in other way,” His gaze was now full of pity. I look away. 

“How could you have too much of everything inside you? I can’t even imagine,” he continued.

If the mind disapproves what the heart desires, which one should I follow? How could I even distinguish them?

This wound turns me into the person I never wanted to be
This wound shapes my mind with the tought I used to confront
This wound changes me in every way I despise
This wound at last defines me

I forgot how I survive, I forgot my way.
I forgot how I used to write.
I forgot how I used to heal.

No matter how hard I resist, the changes are inevitable.
At last, I turned to even bitter being.