A longing gaze

That figure is just a small portion of composition inside the frame of my eyes

A shadow that stands still, looking fastened into my soul

It is far away, yet I recognize that gaze

It is a longing gaze.

How could it learn to perceive?

Did it read the burned script?

In that moment the desire emerges

I run

Despite this burdensome shell I carry

I embrace

Despite the suffocating smell it bursts

I am tormented by my inability in expressing these things flaring up inside me. I need those words with the greatest capacity to manifest this strong emotion. But I found them nowhere inside my mind. I guess it's time for the silences to speak then. Can you hear them now?

Relung

Dulu aku hanya mendengar dari burung-burung bising di hutan, tentang keberadaan relung yang selalu digemakan. Saat itu, kapan pun aku berjalan, seekor macan selalu membuntutiku.

"Semua manusia sudah pasti pernah berkunjung ke sana. Bagaimana kau luput?" mereka selalu bertanya padaku. Berkali-kali aku menyelami danau-danau, menyebrangi sungai-sungai, menyusuri jurang-jurang dan mendaki gunung-gunung. Tersesat ke sana kemari, namun tak kunjung kujumpai relung itu. Aku terus bertanya-tanya pada kijang dan kelinci di hutan. Mereka hanya berlari terbirit-birit. Kusadari macan yang membuntutiku telah membuat mereka ketakutan. Aku telah menumbuhkan sang macan, hingga tubuhnya kini tiga kali lebih tinggi dan kokoh dariku. Pada akhirnya aku mengabaikannya.

Saat aku terduduk lelah tanpa asa di atas dedaunan kering dan telah lupa akan warna langit dan rasi bintang yang menuntun, seekor kuda menghampiriku dan mengulurkan surainya. Aku tak mengerti bahasa kuda, namun kupercayakan ia menuntunku dan di sini lah aku saat ini. Pada relung yang selalu kucari. Ia yang dulu terdengar jauh, terasa dalam tak terjamah. Kurasakan genggamanku pada surai melemah dan sang kuda lari meninggalkanku. Sendiri. Di antara hening dan dingin. Aku telah sampai, namun aku terlambat. Semua manusia telah pergi dan melanjutkan perjalanan mereka.

How is everything going without me? I hope your days are much brighter than mine.
You know, I never expect that you would stay this long both in my conscious and unconscious mind.

It was a beautiful reddish sky, they said.

Insanity

"Ayah, orang-orang yang hilang kewarasannya dulu pernah seperti aku kan? Kalau aku tiba-tiba gila, ayah mau apakan aku?"
Ayah tak menaruh perhatiannya padaku. Ia tampak gelisah, berkali-kali diliriknya jam tangan hitam yang selalu ia kenakan di lengan kirinya.
"Ayah usahakan sampai kamu waras lagi,"
jawabnya setelah aku menarik ujung lengan bajunya.
"Kalau tidak bisa?"
"Ayah akan terima sesulit apa pun itu."
Ia melirik kanan dan kiri dengan resah, seperti hendak mencari celah di antara kendaraan-lendaraan yang terhenti.
"Kalau aku gila dan suka memukuli ayah?"
"Ayah tangkis."
Kini ia mengetuk-ngetukkan jarinya di atas roda kemudi.
"Kalau aku gila dan ingin ayah mendengar celotehan ngawurku setiap saat?"
"Akan ayah dengarkan," jawabnya sambil menghela nafas dan berdecak ketika lampu merah kembali menjebak kami.
"Jangan, ayah tutup telinga saja. Atau tutup mulutku."
"Baiklah, ayah tutup telinga saja ya sayang."
perhatiannya masih pada lampu merah yang belum berganti.
"Kalau aku gila, ayah jangan anggap itu aku ya. Ayah ganti namaku saja dengan nama orang lain.."
"Gila atau tidak, kamu kan tetap kamu, anakku."
Lampu berganti kuning.
"Tidak, ayah buang aku saja. Orang gila itu merepotkan. Seperti ibu di rumah yang tidak mau berhenti bicara padaku."
Kemudian Ayah terpaku sesaat. Dia menoleh dan dengan lembut tersenyum padaku. Tatapannya begitu menenangkanku, hal yang selalu aku inginkan darinya dan perhatiannya. Guratan-guratan di dahinya mengingatkanku pada kakek. Ia kemudian mencium keningku dan memelukku dengan erat.
Lampu kuning berganti hijau, kendaraan mulai tumpah memenuhi perempatan.
"Ayah, sudah hijau lampunya. Ayo jalan."
Ia tak melepaskanku. Pelukannya semakin erat dan kurasakan tubuhnya berguncang dan pundakku basah.
Aku terdiam di tengah hiruk pikik klakson kendaraan yang bersahut-sahutan di belakang kami.

memory

When an event is beyond traumatic, there will be too much informations our brain receive. Everything seems to happen in a flash so we missed things and we lost details. The insistent information make us fail to make sense of everything at that time..

Then, here comes the role of memory. Only when we stop trying to forget and deny the thing that happened, we could learn from the past.

When we allow ourselves to seek whatever it is stored in the memory with no anger, hatred or denial, we will be able to trace every detailed information of the event, including those we wish to forget.
Then we will be able to remember deeper, not only holding on to the good things that we want to remember.

When all the informations are gathered, the good and the bad things,  we could reconstruct the event and get better understanding of it. We'll be able to make sense of that situation.

It sure takes time for us to come to the point of releasing  the suffocating feeling of hurt, anger and hatred. And  everyone has their own time zone.
But once we reach that point, we will understand, we will accept, we will learn and we will grow stronger.

Insignificant

On 4-7 December, my artwork entitled 'Insignificant' was exhibited on PENAGAMA, an annual art exhibition held at PKKH UGM by Unit Seni Rupa UGM (USER UGM). The theme of the event was  "How A Human To Be."

It was my first installation artwork.

With the help of some friends (and strangers!), I finished my work in two days and two nights. At first, I didn't intend to make the display table by myself but turned out I couldn't afford to buy the display cube or to hire a craftsman. It was so challenging for me as I have never tried to sew nor hammer ever. 

An Hour With Sri Sultan

Yesterday, I went to Kepatihan Yogyakarta. I went there with some committee of Nitilaku, an annual cultural event held by my university.
I was assigned to take some snapshots of him in a room with older committees talking about the event.

Ingin

Lenganku masih kotor

Nafasku masih kering

Dan rintihanku masih sumbang

Pelan-pelan kubasuh tubuhku dengan salju

Kupasrahkan diriku pada embun yang menyejukkan

Hingga luka yang meradang berjumpa tenang

Aku masih ingin berdiri

Aku masih ingin bersandar

Aku masih ingin bercerita

Samar-samar ia yang lama terabaikan kembali memanggil

Dengan segala upaya kulepaskan belenggu yang merantai kaki

Meninggalkan segala ingin

"Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor and it can never be used to hurt you."
"Once you have accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you."

-Tyrion Lannister

No one could have hurt me if I could just remember the armor I posessed and wear it in the battle. Basically all I did this whole time was a suicide.

Inside my wall, there lay my sinful, flawed and fragile soul. The flawed self I am not yet capable to accept. My present self and my past that I am not yet able to make peace with.

"Why is it when one man builds a wall the next man immediately needs to know what is on the other side?" -Tyrion Lannister.

I remember the time I was dead and numb. I kept wondering how it feels like to love someone or to lose them.

I've been carrying this as a burden that I am too weak to lift: the feeling of guilt. This mixed feeling of guilty and shame couldn't get any deeper. 

I am deeply sorry. 

For everything. For the said and the unsaid. Mostly for the things I have no courage to tell and so it all turned into more and more falsities.

I thought I was ready. I thought I have had control of all those nasty and destructive qualities. I was wrong and I know I have failed you.

But this feeling of guilt does not matter for it doesn't change anything, right? This mistake is too bad to be forgiveable and acceptable.

Sorry for this dirty hands that stained your soul. Sorry for smothering you. I am taking my hands off everything, off you.

29 November 2017

5 a.m.
After a sleepless night, a meal, a short story, a paper, a thesis review and a powerpoint presentation,

She emerged and left the door behind ajar. She smiled as I rose and embrace her.
I lead her to the couch and we sat side by side. There was nothing but silence filled with some tiny drops of rain making a little noise outside.
"Sorry I didn't pick up your call. I thought it was my alarm," I finally broke the silence.
She turned to me and said in her cold voice,
"Really there's no need to lie. I know you dislike a phone call."
I tried to hide my edginess by laughing but my voice was shaking.
The silence filled the air once more.
"Sorry, again." I squeezed her palm. It was cold and dry like a snowflake.
She pulled her hand and thrusted it into her trouser pocket. She pulled a lighter.
A minute later the smoke started to fill the air conditioned room we were in. It started to smothers me but I said nothing.
"Say something," she finally said, as if she could read my mind.
"Which one of it? Something you will be pleased to hear or something you need to hear?"
She sighed and put down her cigarettes. Despite the door that slightly opened, the smoke smothered me even more.

28 November 2017

And rain had been an excuse for me to drown in the darkness and make love with the demons inside.
For days, I am struggling to get up from the depressing comfort they offer.
That warm blanket was just a trap.

And at last, I got my sanity back.

Nobody really knows exactly what I need, not even myself.
Yet I thank everyone who always try their best and sacrifice many things to provide me what they think I need instead of feeding my ego with providing things I want.

One thing I know for sure that I need is to grow stronger and wiser.

And at last, I am thankful for every uncomfortable situations God gave me the opportunity to get through. For I know He wants me to keep learning, keep fighting and grow stronger at last. He is the only one who always know exactly what I need.

Inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist

Bahasa

Bahasa, sebagai buah konstruksi manusia adalah wujud kebisingan.
Sekat yang mengisolasi jiwa kita.
Hingga sepi di tengah hingar bingar dapat tercipta.

Tidakkah kau lelah?
Ketenangan apa yang kau dapatkan dari kebisingan ini?
Rehatlah sejenak.

Mari temui sunyi dan cinta.
Yang maknanya telah dikecilkan dan dibatasi oleh bahasa kita.
For they are divine, the universal language beyond human could construct.

Lagi, lagi, lagi dan hingga nanti tak ada lagi

Lagi,
Aku kehilangan kepercayaan pada apa pun.
Pada kata-kata, pada manusia, pada semesta, bahkan pada diriku sendiri.

Lagi,
Aku dirundung kekecewaan pada segala hal
Pada keadaan, pada mereka yang kupercayakan, pada cara semesta membentukku, dan yang terdalam pada diriku sendiri yang begitu lemah.

-

Kembali,
aku sendiri, kehilangan arah dan pijakan.
Kehilangan tempat bersandar dan berpulang.

Kembali,
semuanya terasa asing dan kosong seperti semula.
Aku mencari kemana sang tenang dibawa dan bertanya-tanya dengan ribut.

-

Lalu aku bungkam.
Menyaksikan mereka menutup telinga mendengar kegaduhanku.
Tak ada tenang yang kutemukan.
Tak ada jawaban yang kudapatkan.

Lalu aku terkulai.
Mendengar kutukan-kutukan atas ketidakmampuanku.
Tak ada tenang yang kutemukan.
Tak ada jawaban yang kudapatkan.

-

Berkali-kali,
Aku hampir terbunuh kekecewaan
Aku hampir terbelenggu kesendirian
Aku hampir terpatahkan keraguan
Aku hampir terkikis habis digerogoti ganasnya kebohongan

-

Lagi,
aku teringat bangkit.
aku tersadar untuk lepas
aku terseru mengangkat senjataku

Lagi,
Aku ingat untuk terus kuat, apapun yang merundungku
Untuk mereka yang mempercayakan hatinya padaku
Untuk mereka yang mengenalku sebagai sosok yang kuat

-

Selalu,
Aku akan memperjuangkan peranku hingga akhir
Peran besar yang kupilih sendiri untuk kumainkan di panggung alam semesta ini
Aku percaya akan terus dan terus kembali berdiri seberapa pun dalam lubang yang menyandungku

-

Di setiap lagi aku terus tumbuh
Di setiap lagi aku semakin terbentuk
Di setiap lagi aku menjadi baru dan lebih kuat

Lagi, lagi, lagi dan hingga nanti tak ada lagi.

Kulit di atas nadiku begitu akrab dengan dinginnya mata belati.
Paru-paruku begitu akrab dengan racun yang berkali-kali kuhirup.
Lengan dan kakiku begitu akrab dengan eratnya tali yang membelenggu.
Ya, kini semuanya menjadi semakin akrab dan semakin dapat kupahami.

.

Aku bukan mereka

Mereka bukan aku
Ini caraku dan ini pertarunganku

.

kembali

Di sini lah aku yang kembali menulis. Aku yang berhasil mengembalikan kepercayaannku pada kata-kata, pada diriku dan pada pena yang ku genggam.

#2: My Music Taste

I never really have a particular singer or band I adore. I listen to all kinda songs without isolating each into existing genres. But most of the music I am listening to are not belong to the pop musics thus only few people have the same ear as mine.

I never share my music to anyone because I never expect them to like it the way I do. It happend to be a magical moment when I found anyone listening to the same music as mine.

People said that my playlist is not for human or my music is so zombie-like 😂. I used to think I am weird but then I realize that I just happen to flow outside my stream. It somehow makes me feel unique.

Well, in the end everyone is unique. But only few have the ability to realize and find their uniqueness.

#1 The Way I Idolize Someone

If I was asked who my idol is, no name really comes up in my mind. I admire a lot of people but really, no name comes up when I was asked who are the pople that inspires me. I never really idolize a particular person.  

I Love Myself Project

I am currently doing a self-loving project and I will share only some of the results in this blog. The intention of this project was not to become a self-centered person. It's rather to see the qualities I possess and see the good things within me therefore I can embrace me and be grateful for who I am. Despite my confusion of which is the true concept of "love", I need to make myself love me in my own way and my own understanding about love. So when someone said to me that I am not lovable, it will become no matter because at least I still have one person that will always love me, myself.

Stranger

He was once a clear figure, with skin and flesh
A warm scent bursted out from each word he uttered
Overtime the skin began to shrink and the flesh started to rot
The familiar scent started to fade hence the words became scentless
In this very moment he is just one of those blank faces
Yet he's the only shadowy figure appears each night when I light up my candle

'Once' and 'Still'

Then,
They were sounded so light and empty before my home was ashes
No pain and suffering in all the syllables
Now,
They are clinging to my legs, stumbling me in each step I take
They are choking up my lungs, smothering me in each moment I breathe

Luka

Siang itu aku datang dengan satu lagi luka baru yang masih basah. Tersembunyi dibalik balutan baju hangat yang begitu jarang kukenakan. Luka ini akhirnya muncul dengan guratan jelas diatas kulitku setelah lama ia hanya berupa potensi, bulatan memar yang tak tampak.

Aku meringis ketika lukaku tak sengaja tersentuh lengannya. Untuk pertama kalinya aku memperhatikan lengan itu, lengan yang selalu berupaya menggapai dan merengkuhku dalam dunia sepinya.

"Luka baru?"

Aku hanya mengangguk dan memaksakan senyum kepada orang asing ini. Tak ada yang kuingat tentangnya, bahkan namanya. Ia selalu kuabaikan.
Hari ini pandanganku menyapa sekujur tubuhnya, bukan lagi hanya pada bayangannya.

Lalu tersingkaplah, kain yang menyelubungi tubuhnya. Aku terpaku menatap kulitnya yang kotor, dipenuhi lebam dan goresan-goresan yang dalam. Lingkaran biru dan garis-garis merah memenuhi sekujur tubuhnya.

Tentang luka-luka dan lebamnya yang sesekali dua kali pernah kudengar dari kicauan burung-burung di loteng, bukanlah sekadar rumor.

"Kaukah yang burung-burung itu selalu ributkan? Kau hanya terjatuh sekali. Bagaimana tubuhmu bisa sehancur ini?" aku tak dapat menahan getaran hati yang mendesak dari suaraku.

"Ini luka-luka perjalanan. Aku tengah melewati jalan yang berduri dan berkabut, dan aku masih melangkah ke tempat yang kutuju."

Dengan lembut ia menggulung lengan baju hangatku, mempelajari dan memperhatikan luka baruku dan kali ini aku tak menolaknya.
Luka kami serupa.

Dan ia masih belum sejengkal lebih dekat daripada tujuannya.

Where will I go?

Where will I go?
When the only home I've known is ashes now
How will I know when the only love I'm shown is so changeable?
How do I grow then, when I've been alive for the best part of my life
Feeling alone
Feeling alone with you
Without you
With you
Without you


Dreams of William - Daughter

I am here

It was one lovely friday. The cloudy skies were crystal clear. I was standing there, surrounded by people and their warmth while doing something fun: commenting to their unfunny jokes. 

Everything was fine and I was feeling so alive when my anxiety stroke me.

Really hard. Out of the blue. 

It took only 2 minutes for It to sucks light from the sun. It invites the storm and clouds to gather beneath me. Everyone around me turns to stranger and the jokes turns into bitter. I felt lost and everything around me became unfamiliar. 

I felt ill and went home with uneasy feeling that evening. At that moment I knew that a hard battle awaits and something is visiting me soon: my demon.

It was a fearful night, I was with no one. My heart felt uneasy, I was trembled and shivered remembering the last time my demon was around, I was still unable to tame it. I was going to lose my mind so I cried in despair and asked for His help. 

I was so desperate and longing for a presence that I even asked him to manifest himself so I can feel a presence. I didn't want to be alone with my demon when it comes

I felt restless.

The fear grew inside me sucks the air from my lung and I could hardly breathe. My chest was in ache. Then I closed my eyes. 

I was trying to enjoy the torment of the prison I was unable to escape when I heard a familiar cracked and raw voice whispers, 

"I am here." 

A wave of terror hit me. Then I lose my mind. 

a Hero

I grew up listening to his voice wailing through my uncle's radio casette player. I never liked the music, my ears was not meant for such emphasized volume. I was too young to ponder the meaning behind any songs. I never paid attention to anyone, not even any particular member of a band I am familiar to. I didn't even know his name. All I know, he was the 'angst-ridden screamer' of Linkin Park, my (only one beloved) uncle's favorite band.
Now, they're already gone.  Both of them.

When I heard the news, I never expected that I would feel my heart cracks. A piece of my childhood just went away.
For days, I was in denial. I refused to know more about the tragedy. I couldn't accept it. Each time I heard people talking about the tragedy, I stop my ears. Each time my eyes caught any letters forming his name, I just scroll my screen down.
I didn't know why I felt really bad. I didn't listen to his music, I didn't know anything about him yet I felt an extremely deep grief.

Just several nights after the tragedy, I typed the name of the band on my spotify's search box. I put my earphones on and shut my eyes, intended to recall the tiny delightful part of my childhood memories with my late uncle.
A verse and two, I already lost myself. It was the same voice wailing, it was the same song, but at that time, I was able to hear the pain in each of his uttered words. I was able to recognize the battle he'd been struggling to win over. I am so familiar with the painful scenes he tried to conveyed through his voice. I felt like an arrow pierced right to my heart when a word said. Words by words, then a verse finished and my heart was in no shape. Black and blue full of wounds. I just bawled my eyes out.

His demon and I are no stranger.

Just now, I finally able to accept the tragedy and willing to know about it. I read several news and articles about his leaving and how the shockwave still resonates among those who became the witness of his endless battle with the demon.

"Dear Chester Bennington, it hurts all of us to know that you saved so many lives, yet we couldn't save you..."

He is one successfull human being.
He succeeded living his life and left marks (in hearts of million).
How many human ever existed that succesfully leave marks with his existence?

Well, he was someone.
To me, he is a hero.

Saat ia mulai menulis dengan jiwanya yang begitu lembut dan bening, aku tersadar bahwa ia selalu terinspirasi darimu. Dalam setiap goresan kasar pensil kayunya, ada bayangan akan semua bagian dirimu yang tidak bisa kuabaikan apalagi kubenci. Bagian yang begitu kecil, yang membuatku terjatuh pada keseluruhanmu.

All the confusions and hesitations like a storm ravaging the tranquility of our mind. It's so roisterous yet we are trapped in silence. Doing nothing and pretending that everything is fine. Is it in our head or is it only in mine? Are we killing each other or is it only you killing me?

---

I thought that we are not okay. Then I realize that it was only me. It's me killing myself.

Kering Tinta

Aku, yang sedang bersama sunyi, menggenggam penaku ditengah kegelapan malam. 

Kata-kata mengalir begitu derasnya mengotori kertas putihku dan jariku menari-nari begitu lincahnya menggoreskan jutaan makna. Aku tak mampu membendung gejolak jiwaku yang berapi-api.

Perlahan-lahan, tanganku mulai dingin kemudian gemetar. Tarian jariku melambat ketika kurasakan tiap ruasnya mulai membeku. Jantungku berdegup begitu hebatnya dalam kepanikan dan satu dua butir keringat dingin mengaliri punggungku ketika kusadari kata-kata yang kugoreskan mulai tampak tak nyata.

Aku lemah tak berdaya menatap kertas dan penaku nanar. 

Kuhentikan goresan tinta yang mengalir. Jemariku yang semula menari-nari kini dingin dan kaku. Aku terisak pilu dalam keputusasaan ketika kupandangi penaku.

Lihatlah, tinta didalamnya mulai mengering.

Aku berhenti menulis.

Peace

Those eyes were staring at mine.
I thought I would look away in fear.
Instead I stare still with my gaze.
I feel nothing.

Those eyes were staring at mine.
I thought I would clench my fists in anger.
Instead I found them so relaxed.
I feel nothing.

Those eyes were staring at mine.
I thought I would sicken in disgust.
Instead I stand upright not even sweating.
I feel nothing.

Then he walked away and I couldn't help but smile bitterly.
He didn't even realize he left his shadows inside me.
Staining my soul, strangling me all my life.
Still, I feel nothing.

My head was filled with thousands voices echoed,
"Why? Why? Why?"
Despite all the noises, I heard one whispers,
"You have won."

Then I felt something filled my soul with warmth.
I felt something and I recognize it.
As I came to realize that I am not familiar with hatred,
I smiled over my inhumanity.

Despite all my efforts, I am still as inhuman as I ever be.
If tears is a sign of humanity, then what does it mean to cry over my inhumanity?

Hampirilah aku

Wahai pengembara, jika dalam perjalananmu kau temukan jalan penuh kabut tebal yang membutakan mata, duri-duri yang mengoyak kulit dan kesunyian yang membuat tuli, itu adalah jalan menujuku.

Janganlah berbalik, aku penuh kerinduan untuk dikenali.

Aku adalah ruang kosong tanpa kehangatan, di mana cahaya enggan muncul kecuali dalam absenku. Aku adalah rumah yang merindukan penghuni, di mana makhluk enggan singgah, kecuali dalam tersesat.

Singgahlah, aku sarat akan sunyi.

Nyalakanlah obormu. Buatlah perapianmu dan bunuhlah kegelapanku. Berbaringlah sejenak. Berceritalah tentang pengembaraanmu dan bunuhlah kesunyianku. Ingin kudengar keluh kesahmu, juga kutukanmu pada jalan yang penuh duri dan kabut.

Wahai pengembara, hiraukanlah bangunan-bangunan megah nan penuh gemerlap di sebrang jalan.

Hampirilah aku, yang dikutuk tajamnya kerinduan dan dinginnya kesunyian.

Neraka dalam cermin

Malam dan kesunyiannya adalah tentramku
Tanpa janji dan kata-kata ia sanggup membuai
Ia selalu hadir menenangkan
Meredam apa-apa yang hampir menjadi isak kepedihan

Namun terkadang malam datang tak bersama sunyi
Seperti masa ini, ia menghadirkan sosok lain
Sosok yang menghalangi bayanganku dalam cermin
Ia adalah nerakaku, yang selalu memadamkan renjanaku

Hayat Sebatang Pohon

Aku merindu kehidupan seperti milik sebatang pohon, tampak tak sarat kesukaran.

Ia tak perlu takut akan kalut.
Meski ia tak tahu ke arah mana batang dan cabang-cabang kecilnya yang rapuh harus bertumbuh.

Ia tak perlu cemas akan sesat.
Meski ia tak tahu ke arah mana ranting-rantingnya yang kaku harus diayunkan.

Sesukar-sukarnya hal yang perlu ia lakukan adalah dua; percaya dan yakin. 

Hanya kepada cahaya mentari yang menuntun lah ia perlu mempercayakan batang dan cabang-cabang rapuhnya tumbuh menyongsongnya. 

Hanya kepada angin yang membelai lah ia perlu meyakini bahwa ranting-rantingnya telah tergiring dan mengayun ke arah yang semestinya.

Rumah dan Jendela Tetangga

Aku tahu betapa perapian di rumah ini sudah rusak. Tapi aku bukan ahli perapian, kuabaikan ia rusak walau harus  menggigil ketika malam datang membawa angin musim dingin yang menggigit.
Aku tahu betapa ia butuh diperbaiki. Tapi aku tak ingin orang lain melangkahkan kaki ke dalam rumahku, kan kuanggap ia penginvasi sekalipun itu si ahli perapian yang bisa membuat perapianku berfungsi sebagaimana mestinya.

Aku tak pernah tahu, bagaimana sang penghuni lama rumah ini bertahan melawan hawa dingin yang menggigit setiap malamnya. Atau rumah ini tak pernah berpenghuni sebelumnya? Aku tak tahu.
Aku tak pernah tahu, apakah hilang salah satu guna sebuah rumah tanpa perapian yang bekerja. Masihkah ia dapat tersebutkan sebagai sumber kehangatan? Aku tak tahu.

Tiga hari yang lalu aku tuna wisma. Aku tak mengenal makna sebuah rumah.
Aku tersesat atau terbebas sebelum terkurung dalam dinding-dinding dan langit-langit ini. Setiap dua belas detik aku bertanya di depan cermin, "Amankah di dalam sini?" Yang jelas aku kedinginan, tubuhku menggigil dan gemeretak gigiku mengacaukan pikiran.

Haze

There she is, sitting in front of me with her eyes intently fastened to mine. Her fist is clenched and her lips bitten. I try to look into her eyes. But my vision gets blurry. I wink several times to get rid of some drops that is now obstructing me from her embodiment.

As my vision cleared, I study her face but I feel like looking at myself in the mirror and study my own feature. Those blue eyes and sharp jaws, she has definitely stole my feature.

She shook her head.

I suddenly feel ache in my chest as if I had a suffocation. My hands are trembling and I can't longer see her in the eye. I look away to the window that displays some overcast clouds. My vision gets hazier and this time, I can't hold the drops and let it all stream down my face.

"There is no more we,"  the pain in my chest is now spreading all over my body. Leaving me to feel like I am being struck by thousands arrows.

"Just leave me alone," her tone was as acrid as as a suffocating volcanic gas.

Bukan

Bukan ketidakmampuanku untuk menyisihkan uang saku yang ingin aku keluhkan
Bukan pula ketidakmampuanku mengingat nama seorang kenalan
Apalagi kebingunganku pada daftar menu makanan restoran
Atau merk pewangi

Bukan, bukan sama sekali. 

Aku tak pandai menyulut api dan menyalakan lilin
Mereka terbahak-bahak menertawai si bodoh ini
Yang tak mau berhenti berusaha memantik
Walau harus menjerit-jerit perih

Ya, aku hampir membakar habis diriku

Ketidakmampuanku mengusir mereka yang kembalilah yang ingin aku keluhkan
Pula ketidakmampuanku untuk menjaga api dari tangan mereka
Mereka mengelilingi tubuhku yang meringkuk memeluk lilin
Tanpa ampun meniupinya, mengabaikan luka-luka bakarku

Ingin aku menjeritkan namamu

Agar kau datang dan membantuku melindungi api ini
Namun lidahku kembali kelu
Ia yang sempat fasih kini mati rasa
Setelah terakhir kali mengecap keraguan

Mungkin

Ia mungkin akan tersentak

Saat kelak lenganku yang kotor merangkul pundaknya

Aku hanya ingin berdiri

Ia mungkin akan berjengit

Saat kelak nafasku yang kering merambati punggungnya

Aku hanya ingin bersandar

Ia mungkin akan muak

Saat kelak rintihanku yang sumbang memekakkan telinganya

Aku hanya ingin bercerita

***

(Was written in August)

I Always Knew

The reassuring cracking noise of burned firewood in the furnace
The tranquilizing smell of your perfume that fills the room
The soothing atmosphere that embraces my body everytime I took my coat off
The warmth of tea that fills in the cup you're holding

I always knew where to go
Which door I should knock on
I have never forgotten my way to home
Where you always welcome me

Help.

Tengoklah cawannya!

Biarkan aku sekarat dalam hausku
Jangan pernah kau tawarkan padaku larutan buatanmu itu!
Aku sungguh akan menolak dengan keras
Menangis dan meraung memohon agar tak kautawarkan
Namun takkan sanggup kubencimu jika akhirnya pun kau tawarkanku
Akan kuteguk meski madu yang kuharapkan

Aku akan selamatkanmu dari haus
Namun tak akan kubasahi kerongkonganmu dengan larutan buatanku itu
Aku akan membenciku!
Biarlah tubuhmu meronta-ronta hebat sedikit lebih lama karena dahaga
Sampai kutemukan setetes madu di tengah padang pasir
Tempat kau berbaring menatap fatamorgana

Biarkan aku meminum sendiri larutan buatanku
Bebaskanku dari siksa dahaga dan kekeringan
Bagiku manisnya melebihi madu, aku ketagihan!
Meski sudah berkali-kali kutengok isi cawanku itu,
Bukanlah apa-apa melainkan racun di dalamnya!

Aku akan berbaring tenang setelahnya
Tak peduli luka-luka dalam yang racun itu sebabkan
Terlalu sibuk kunikmati larutanku itu
Tapi kumohon!
Jangan kau minum larutanmu itu
Tengoklah cawannya, tak ada apa pun melainkan racun.

Kusadari dalam cawan kita adalah larutan yang sama, racun yang tak kau jumpai di mana pun. Racun yang mengaliri batang pohon kepalsuan.

My dearest, help me strengthen my desperate soul and fragile heart.
Wash away all the wickednesses in my soul with the water of snow and hail.
Purify my heart with the drops of dew.
Allow me to feel the divinity that once I felt..

Companion

I have never been alone.
Even when there's nobody, stillness is a companion.
Yes, I made friend with it.
I learned its name, Sunyi.

It was not always there during the day.
But each night, I had never miss its presence.
It embraced me so tightly in its arms until I fell asleep exhausted
From the endless struggle with the mind.

...

It was no longer a friend. It has become a soulmate.
Until one day, it came in another feature.
It had a figure and a soul.
Came more often during the day.

...

But tonight, there's something different.
It visits me again in the night after a while.
In its old feature, it comes with a new companion for me.
I learn its name, Rindu.

Sea Water

"Why you don't want to go to the beach? do you hate sea so much?"
I don't want to see her in the eyes and let her dive deep into my withered soul. Instead, I stared at the mirror behind her. I answered as if I was talking to myself.
"No, it's not the sea that I hate. I just can't enjoy being at the beach."
As I kept staring at myself in the mirror, I just realized that my eyes were more sunken and my cheekbones was more pronounced. There wasn't just a withered soul, but a withered figure as well.
"Why? Don't you find it peaceful to have the wind upon your face and embrace you? How come a human don't enjoy the music the waves make?"

Sadarlah, kau tidak buta. 
Kau hanya diam dalam gelap.

Sadarlah, kau tidak mati rasa. 
Kau hanya diam dalam hawa dingin yang membekukan.

Sadarlah, kau tidak tuli. 
Kau hanya diam dalam kehampaan.

Dan sadarlah! Sadar bahwa kau sama sekali tak terusik karenanya.

Sadarlah..

Terusiklah..
Jangan diam seperti batu..

Hesitation

Will you run away?
Will I run away?
....
Will you run away?
No. I won't. Never.
Are you sure you won't?
....
Will you run away?
What do you want to hear?
Nothing. I want to hear nothing.
Then why do you keep asking?
....
Will you run away?
I can't promise you any words.
Why? You once answered me you won't.
Because I found hesitation in all your questions.
That's because I found hesitation in all your answers.

Renjana

Yang dijaga mati-matian, tak kujumpai di mana pun.
Ia hilang.
Menambah luas kekosongan.

Kepada bayang-bayang dalam cermin, jiwa sekaratku bertanya,
Di mana ia yang kemarin berapi-api?
Di mana renjanaku?

Ia menatapku dengan iba. Menunjuk tepat ke dadaku.
Ia tetap di sana.
Tapi ia padam.