Longing

I am longing for a place where I had been in

A place where my constellation was not yet in existence

When my limbs were just tiny branches of ungrown trees

With my spirit slept in the breath of the angels as the lullaby

And the divine love as the only tenderness I recognized

I am longing for a place I am going to be in

A place where my constellation dies of exhaustion

When my limbs will become solid and bushy roots

With my spirit sleeps in the dark hollow as the chamber

And the divine love as the only tenderness I'll be expecting

Lifeform (Part 1)

With trembling hands, she put the thing on my palm. She look away, obstruct the worries and fears that I could have seen in her eyes.
I look down to discover two red lines on the test pack she gave me.
"This is..." I look at it over and over again in disbelief
"Terrifying," she says in a croaky voice.

With no invitation, the cold wind comes in, smothers me.
And I am stuck in the avalanche.

I asked God to send me a person who will hold my hands and watch me as I fix myself. He gave me more. He sent me one who helps me fix myself.

And for once in a million years this despicable being feels grateful.

Going home

I wanna leave you
I wanna lose us
I wanna give up
But I won’t

I wanna miss this
I want a heartache
I wanna run away
But I won’t

The Civil Wars - Same Old Same Old

Unloved

A man approaches me

He said that he loves me

While it's my skin that he enjoys

A woman embraces me

She said that she loves me

While it's my blood that she considers

Another man inarmed me

He said that he loves me

While it's the idea of me that he adores

And here comes me

I said that I love myself

While it's my white lies that I am craving for

Evaporate

I am a drop of morning dew on dandelion.
When the light warmly embraces me, you'll behold all the beauty in me. Not even a single drop concealed.
Watching my move will be enchanting. As if you were listening to the sound of tiny bells ringing in the wind.
But my show time is very short. My beauty won't last long.
For the light turns savage, devastating all my beauty it just revealed.
You will find me lay in a spot of weak light. With my body dried and wrinkled.
Slowly I'll disappear forever.

And you?
You'll walk away, start your day with morning spirit upon you.

Sepi

"Apakah ia kesepian?"

ya, ia merasa sepi.
"Namun mengapa ia selalu menolak ditemani?"
karena hanya orang itu, ia yang meramaikan benaknya di keheningan malam yang bisa mengusir sepinya yang membekukan kalbu. 
"..........."
bukanlah siapa-siapa lagi.
"jadi dia akan menunggu?"
Ya, ia akan menunggu orang itu memohon diri. Menemaninya dalam sepi yang kelak menjadi hangat karenanya.

"Lisa, pergi dari situ. Percaya padaku. Jangan dengarkan dia,"
Selangkah demi selangkah aku mendekatinya yang masih berdiri terpaku di sebrang ruangan.
Di sampingnya, berdiri pria itu. Pria yang selalu menggunakan setelan hitam kaku. Ia menatapku dan menyeringai. Dengan nada yang sama, ia menyalin kata-kataku,
"Lisa, pergi dari situ. Percaya padaku. Jangan dengarkan dia."

Aroma nafasnya menyeruak, membuat udara ruangan berbau darah. Hawa dingin menggelitik punggungku.
Namun, tak sedikit pun Lisa beranjak, malah merosot tubuhnya. Terduduk ia di atas permadani dengan bahu berguncang. Isak tangisnya memecah keheningan malam.
"Tidak, jangan lakukan ini lagi. Kumohon, Han,"
Ia memeluk lututnya, menatapku dengan tatapan yang membuat ngilu hati. Air matanya mengalir deras.
"Kau harus menjauh darinya. Ia menyembunyikan pisau dibalik jas hitamnya!"
Teriakku menghentikan isaknya sesaat.
Seringai pria itu makin ganas. Perlahan ia selipkan tangan kanannya dalam jas hitamnya.

Tuhan, jangan.

Sebelum aku sempat melangkah, benda itu sudah digenggamnya. Sebuah belati yang telanjang. Menjadi jelas dan berkilauan memantulkan cahaya rembulan.
Keringat menetes dari dahiku. Aku terpaku sesaat. Namun isakan Lisa yang kembali terdengar menyadarkanku.
Segera aku berlari. Tanpa ampun kutabrak angin dan kuhajar jarak. Hening malam makin terbunuh dengan suara perabotan berkelontangan terjatuh.

Inhuman

I was miles away when the screen suddenly went blank and the lights went on. Everyone rises from their seat with their hands clapping. I startled and quickly shake my head to get out of my reverie. 

Still in confusion, I join the standing crowd, contributing the noise with an awkward applause.

The movie must be so amusing as giggles and laughter fill the room with warmth.

And I must have lost track. 

To appraise, the movie was great and amazing.

Yet it left me no feeling of amusement. I neither feel fascinated nor impressed. But it was not about the movie. And I have no sentence as the reason.

I look around my surrounding. 

Scanning the spacious room, I am hoping to find another pair of eye with empty stare among this crowd.

But I could not find another human being with bored face just like mine. 

Have I told you yet?

Have I told you yet?

I am afraid of darkness

Yet I couldn't stand brightness

Have I told you yet?

I fear of getting lost

Yet I want to be a free bird

Have I told you yet?

I am afraid of love

Yet I am longing for tenderness

Have I told you yet?

I fear of being messed up

Yet I live with chaotic mind

Have I told tou yet?

I am terrified to see you turn your back on me

Yet I'm helpless to see you in the eye

Let it all rain down, from the blood stained clouds
Come out, come out, to the sea my love
and just
drown with me
drown with me...

Don't bring tomorrow

For tomorrow I'll be left in the darkness
As you discover my monsters
Living in the deepest pit
Darkness will no longer your home
You will soon crawl in a hurry
With your hands letting go mine
Leaving me
And I will drown
Alone
Again

9 p.m. post (News part 2)

The crowd begins to disperse as the rain starts falling. All those people finally left, leaving only me and her mother aside her grave.
I approach her and pat her shoulders gently.
She stops sobbing and look up, like she just remember something all of sudden. She takes something out from her wallet and hand it to me.
"She loved you."
I take it, she immediately left.
I unfold the paper and my heart is torn to pieces when I see blood stains on it.
I recognize it, her handwriting.

3 a.m post: "News"

I have a bad news. I just have my first love.
For the first time in forever, I am madly in love. After months of denying it, now I just come to realize that I truly am in love. Like anyone else been experiencing. Like ummm humans do.
The good part of this news is that I finally feel something like humans normally feel. So I'm not so heartless, eh?

I am the hero

I look at another me in the mirror. I know it wasn’t me. I know it is not Nisa that once was so alive, so cheerful and always curious. That, a person over there is just a body with empty soul.
A figure of man appears in the frame, right behind me. I can see him scanning my body through the reflection. He turn my body facing toward him and he gently stroke my face. I couldn’t help but stare to his eyes. All I see is nothing but lust.
I know what he’s going to do next, just like the other day when my mother got caught storing cassava she was suppose to hand over to  men in uniform or another day when my father caught red-handed trying to bring my mother and I to a picnic in the forest across the border.
He throw me to the bed roughly. Rip my shirt and skirt. The clothes that my parents tore their bone to purchase them. He is into my body, undermining it like a wild wolf. I groan in pain, he grins. I stay still, he moves roughly. This time, I find no rage or fear inside me. I feel nothing, I feel numb. The other night I would cry until the dawn broke, but now, I just lie awake, staring at the ceiling.
“Sshhh, don’t be sad. You're beautiful and you’re a hero to your family. No reason not to be proud of yourself,” he whispers against my ear. His breath smells like dry blood. I couldn’t help but looking away.
He is right. I am the hero of my family. If it’s not because of me, being born as a girl 12 years ago, they would have been in prison.
“Your father wasn’t taking you to picnic. He was trying to kidnap you, take you away from the government. The one that gives you security. He’s no good man. He’s suppose to be imprisoned,” he says as he stroke my hair.
“No, he is a good man. You are not,” I say in low voice.
“I am the man in uniform. You know what you heard about us. We’re the hero. Your teacher already taught you that in school right?” he speaks in higher tone
“Yes, sir.”
“if it wasn’t because of me, your father would have to had his ID card remade. He would be labeled as PKI and no one would talk to him, even stare at him. You understand, flower?”
“Yes, sir.”
I sleep with a hero just the same age as my father. I save my family in young age and I am beautiful. How can I be not proud?

Home

It is already dark outside. I can see nothing but small bulbs from afar, passing away. Nothing can be more boring than that view I see through the dewy window glass. 

I straighten my legs and sigh. I feel so exhausted yet I can't sleep. I have been trying to close my eyes for hours but I can still hear the noise made by the carriage wheel, rubbing against the railway.

It's half past 1. One more station, then I'll be arriving in my destination. The place that I suppose to call 'home'. 

Losing Time

I woke up and drew the 966th line on that white wall, the wall I've been waking up to since 965 days ago. I slept when I was thinking of death, just like the other 965 nights. 

It's the D-day.

The Enchanting Performance of Wayang Kulit Purwa

credit to: Atha Al-husna (my Sasing friend)

Last week I was assigned to watch Wayang Kulit at PKKH UGM and make a five paged report of the show. This show is one of the events of FIB's Dies Natalis/anniversary. The Dalang was my teacher who is teaching me in folklore and mythology course, Pak Eddy Pursubaryanto. He got my friends and me to read a novel entitled Anak Bajang Menggiring Angin, which was written by Shindunata. The novel characters are those who appeared in the wayang show as well.

credit to: goodreads

Before the puppet show started, there was a lecture done by Mrs. Kathryn (Kitsie Emerson). She is a spontaneous translator (English) of this Wayang show. She explained about the spontaneous translation to the audiences. She also shared her experience as a spontaneous translator of Wayang/Puppet show.

Mrs. Kitsie  has been learning Wayang and become spontaneous translator for almost eleven years. She has been to many countries as well to attend Wayang show and work as the translator. She can play gamelan and she can also ‘nyinden’. She speaks Bahasa Indonesia and I was amazed to know that she can speak and understand Javanese (Of course she does as Dalang in Wayang shows speaks Javanese).

source: images.google.com

The show was translated into four languages, there were Arabic, Indonesia, English and French. The translators’ skill was jaw-dropping. They were spontaneously translating Javanese to many languages. Super awesome! The translators typed on a laptop and we could see the translation on screens. They were so fast.

The wayang performance began at 8p.m and ended at midnight. There were free snacks (Angkringans) offered in the show. We were also brought our own snacks.

 The show was opened with the traditional music playing and the ‘sindens’ singing. Not just the opening, the whole show used traditional instrument and sinden as the sound effect/back sound. The traditional instrument players and sinden/singers are so young yet so talented. Most of them study in Institut Seni Indonesia (ISI) Yogyakarta. They perfectly produce beautiful and melodious sounds.

I was so excited to watch the wayang show as it was my first time.

Unfortunately I don’t understand Javanese. So I relied on my friend, Aye, and the translation screen to understand what was the dalang said. It was hard to focus on both wayang and the screen and I think I missed a lot of great scenes.

Chinese New Year

Yes, it is super late to say but allow me, "Happy Chinese New Year! Gong Xi Fa Cai!"

I am not Chinese and I didn't celebrate it of course. But I went to see the new year ritual and celebration in Semarang. 

I promised to post something on my blog about my last trip to Semarang and I haven't had time for that. So before it gets later and later, I got the idea to just copy-paste the e-mail I've sent to my friend, Kate, about it. Sorry:(

New Life Stage

Last night, I was digging old posts of mine on this blog and I realized that I've been through a lot of shits! LOL. Reading my old stories was like reading another person's writings. 

Hmm, perhaps that impression just appears as I stopped posting anything on this blog for a long time. I stopped posting stuff here because I didn't think anyone would be interested to read.

Life couldn't get better. I read this post http://thelensoflife.blogspot.co.id/2015/04/kenapa-sastra-inggris.html#more and I feel so so so thankful. I have achieved one of my dreams!

I am now a student of English Department, Universitas Gadjah Mada. Yes, I am now living in Yogyakarta. It's a wonderful city just like I had been dreaming. Here, the more human I am. I can be myself. I love it here! The people are less judgmental than the people from the city I used to live in :p It has almost every place you wish to go to. It has beautiful beaches, mountain, museums, etc.
I went to wonderful places and I really want to share my experiences. But, it's getting difficult to write in English now because I am a student of English Department and somehow I feel like people's expectation is getting higher. I have to mind my grammar:(

But i will try!:)