Another Flash Fiction

Matahari mulai merendah. Sinar jingganya mengintip dan menyelinap dari balik gedung-gedung. Aku menutup pagar rumah temanku dan berjalan menapaki gang kecil menuju jalan raya. Hari ini benar-benar menyenangkan. Bermain bersama teman, menjadi diri sendiri dan melakukan hal-hal normal lainnya yang biasa dilakukan anak sekolah dasar. Sesekali, aku memang perlu melakukan hal-hal semacam itu. Aku berhak memperoleh kesenangan walaupun aku tahu, akan ada harga yang harus kubayar untuk kesenangan kecil itu. 

Aku terus berjalan hingga gang rumahku tinggal beberapa langkah lagi. Aku memperlambat langkahku. Kesenganganku mulai terhapus, digantikan oleh kegelisahan. Otakku mulai berpikir tentang apa yang harus kukatakan pada ibu. Tidak mungkin aku jujur, aku telah meninggalkan  tanggung jawabku hanya untuk bermain. Ibu pasti marah besar. Ah, tak apalah, aku berbohong untuk kebaikanku kali ini. Rasanya lebih baik berdosa daripada dimarahi ibu. 

Kubayangkan pertanyaan yang akan dilayangkan ibu dan bagaimana aku akan dengan percaya diri menjawabnya. Namun, semakin aku dekat dengan rumah, keberanianku semakin goyah. Ingin sekali aku berputar balik dan lari sekencang-kencangnya, menjauhi rumah. Tapi aku tak bisa. Aku harus tahu diri bahwa ibu lah yang sudah menyekolahkan dan menghidupiku semenjak TK. Sudah sepatutnya aku menurutinya. "Klik" aku memutar gagang pintu. Keberanian dan kepercayaan diriku runtuh ketika aku melihat ibu terduduk. Semua skenarioku buyar.

Aku hilang kontrol. Kacau. Aku bahkan sudah berkata-kata sebelum terlontar pertanyaan dari mulut ibu. Rencanaku untuk berbicara dengan percaya diri dan meyakinkan gagal total, suaraku bergetar hebat dan mataku panas. Setelah menyadari kebodohanku, aku menundukkan kepala. Aku tahu aku sudah runtuh, sudah kalah. Hanya akan mengalir air mataku bila kulanjutkan. Hal yang terjadi selanjutnya sudah bisa kutebak. Ibu meninggikan suaranya. Aku merasa semakin tak berdaya saat ia bilang ia tahu aku berbohong. Ibu memang seakan tahu segalanya, setiap cela dalam diriku. Selanjutnya, seperti biasanya, aku hanya menunduk dan menyembunyikan air mataku.

Inilah harga yang harus kubayar.

***

That's it, another flash fiction i made. I came up with this idea when i saw my step sister caught lying by my mom. She told my mom that she was having tutor at school while actually she was playing in her friend's house. 

This is so random. I'm so random. Just wanna tell you that even the simplest thing happen in daily life can strangely inspire me to write something.

I'm having the national examination in 2 days and my preparation hasn't reach 50% yet......... and now i'm blogging.

i'm on my way

2013 to early 2015 has been a rough time for me.

It all started just right after one night, when I felt so despair. Yes, to a deep thinker like me, mind could be so poisonous. I thought that everything I did was futile. I failed in making myself fit in the society. I’m too different, I’m too complicated and I can’t even explain. I was just so tired making themselves understood. No matter how hard I tried to be myself, no one seemed to get my point. I was thinking that being me is not acceptable. Seemed like no one thinks the way I am, no one got my ideas, no one finds my interests interesting, no one. It was depressing when I asked them things I’ve been questioning in my mind and they couldn't answer it. They blamed me for thinking that way. So practically they blamed me for being me. I tried to explain them that it was just the way I am. It’s the natural me, I didn't make things up. I was born that way, although I have never asked to. But no, they don’t get it. I started to feel bad about myself. I was depressed for having no one in the same shoes.

That miserable time kept happening as I thought it was just a fucking puberty phase and it would pass as time goes by.

But I can’t lie, mind does kill.

                 

I finally tried to share my things with parents and peers about these depressing thoughts I had back then, but they said that I was just overreacting about everything and  I should’ve taken everything easy. Tragically, I believed in them. I started to change me. I tried to hide from my mind which is a struggle. I tried to be ‘normal’. Just like them. I stopped thinking the way I think. I spent those days by becoming unoriginal, by not being me. I thought that this is the only way to be happy. But as I put more effort to be happy this way, I felt like I get weaker by the time and something chaotic happened inside me; a conflict. 

It's been a year. I felt like I was carrying a time bomb in my head, which get heavier day by day. This conflict happened inside me killed me slowly. My life began messing. My mind became literally sick. Instead of laughing, I got mad to people when they joke around me and I didn’t find it funny. Instead of using toothpaste, I brushed my teeth with shampoo several times. There were also times when I felt so dizzy when I use my brain. I got a headache when I use my brain to think, even the smallest thing like subtraction. That time, I couldn’t study well in school. I literally had studying distraction. My eyes were hollow and my eye bags became darker. I had a mental disorder. For months, my life has been chaotic. How funny that nobody noticed it.

***

The time bomb I was carrying had finally exploded.

I was at my lowest, mentally sick. I no longer did anything I was passionate about, I was no longer a curious person, I was no longer a dreaming person and I was no longer have faith in me. That time, I didn’t feel like I was human. I didn’t live; I was just not died yet as I put no values in my life. I felt bad about myself all the time. I pushed people away and became a skeptical bitch with too damn high level of criticism. All I could think about was negative things, so did my saying. I didn’t even realize that I had no positive energy left in me. I became a dull person who bitching around about everything and always see things from the negative side. I was a very unproductive person. I was only following the rule while couldn't stop complaining about the rule itself.

I wasn’t me.

Just the moment when I became unable to study, I realized that I was literally sick and I can’t just take this easy or I could lose my sanity. I really need help but I knew, asking people around me for their help will only make it worse. This is my own battle. Nobody could fight this for me. So I didn’t tell anyone. They didn’t know I was struggling for something. I was surviving. 

***

It’s been months.

Now, I’m still struggling. I’ve been through so much, but I haven’t there yet. I’m still learning to appreciate what’s in me and I’m still learning how to feel good about myself. I’m on my way to be happy. 

P.s 

For you who think that you know all about me, no you don't.

#1 Flash Fiction

     Di kehidupanku yang lain, mungkin sekarang aku sedang bersenda gurau dengan anak-anakku. Aku, seorang wanita karier yang sukses, berpendidikan tinggi. Ibu menghubungiku tiap akhir minggu, menanyakan kabar cucu-cucunya. Sedangkan ayah tak henti-hentinya membujukku agar aku berkunjung dengan anak-anakku. Kakak dan adik sering mendatangiku, memintai saranku. Entah itu kepentingan keluarga, ataupun kepentingan karier. Tetangga-tetanggaku selalu ramah padaku, tersenyum tiap kali berpapasan. Aku aktif menyemarakkan lingkungan tempat tinggalku dengan mengikuti segala kegiatan. Teman-temanku selalu menanyakan kabarku dan sesekali kita menyempatkan diri untuk sekedar bertemu.

     Ah, betapa indahnya kehidupan yang lain itu. Aku tersenyum kecil membayangkannya. Melihatku tersenyum, tangannya menggenggamku lembut. Aku tahu ia pun sedang tersenyum. Mungkin kehidupanku sekarang bersamanya tak seindah bayanganku tadi. Hanya ada aku dan dia, tak ada tawa anak-anak di kehidupan kami. Aku harus berhenti bersekolah tinggi karena orang tuaku tak lagi sudi membiayaiku. Ibuku tak pernah menghubungiku lagi. Ayah mengusirku dari rumah dengan caci-makinya dan tak mengizinkanku kembali ke rumahnya apapun alasannya. Kakak dan adik tak pernah lagi menganggapku saudara. Aku adalah aib bagi keluargaku. Tetangga-tetanggaku selalu tersenyum sinis dengan pandangan 'jijik' ketika kami berpapasan. Aku dikucilkan. Teman-temanku seakan sengaja melupakanku, mengadakan pertemuan tanpaku dan tak pernah menanyakan kabarku.

Crawl

Tak pernah terjadi sekalipun sebelumnya. Semua selalu baik-baik saja setiap harinya. Terlalu lama seperti tak mungkin akan berubah. Aku merasakan guncangan hebat yang

membuatku meringkuk memeluk lutut sambil menggigit bibir. Ketakutan menggelitik punggungku.
Apapun yang akan terjadi, aku hanya bisa pasrah. Aku terlalu kecil, lemah dan tidak berdaya.

Tempat ternyamanku kini terasa lebih dingin dan gelap. Penglihatanku yang memang belum sempurna seakan menjerit, takut kehilangan cahaya dan buta selamanya.
Dinding ruangan ini pun semakin mendesakku tiap detiknya hingga akhirnya menyentuh kulitku.
seakan tahu aku memiliki tulang yang rapuh dan ingin menghancurkanku.

Disana, kulihat setitik cahaya yang semakin mengecil dan memudar. Tiba-tiba dadaku sesak dan panas. Tangan lemahku mulai meraih-raih putus asa. Berharap aku bisa menangkap oksigen. Kaki mungilku mulai menendang-nendang ke segala arah. Berharap bisa mendapatkan ruang lebih untuk bernafas. Namun tempat ini lebih kuat. Tak ada jalan bagi kaki dan tangan mungilku untuk merangkak.

Ya, aku terlalu kecil dan lemah. Tempat ternyamanku kini membunuhku, tak mengizinkaku menyambung asa. Aku pun terdiam, meringkuk dan berdoa dalam hatiku. Hingga perlahan ototku melemah dan kegelapan menyelimutiku. Aku mulai berdamai dengan semesta. Kupasrahkan jiwaku, kubiarkan tubuhku. Sesaat ketika tenang mulai kurasa, kupikir semesta berkata lain. Aku merasakan sesuatu menendang tubuhku dari bawah. Disana, kulihat titik cahaya yang memudar kini semakin terang, dan aku tahu, aku telah di tuntun menuju cahaya itu. Asa dalam jiwaku yang hancur seakan tersusun kembali, aku memejamkan mata dan berteriak bersemangat menuju cahaya itu.

Aku berhasil. Tak lagi terjebak dinding. Hanya tangan besar dan hangat yang terasa memegang tubuhku. Dadaku mulai terisi udara ketika aku membuka mulutku. Aku tak sabar, ingin membuka mataku dan melihat seindah apa tempat selanjutnya yang semesta sediakan untukku.
Saat kubuka mataku..

A trip to the hidden paradise

This is actually a throwback post. I'm so stressed out thinking and worrying about college that i thought i need an escape, i need to travel somewhere. But goddamn the school has just started. So all i can do is just see the old pics.
Here are some pictures taken about 6 months ago.
We were travelling around the beautiful beaches in Sawarna back then.

This was Tanjung Layar beach if i'm not mistaken. It has so many large rocks. To reach the sea water, i need to walk over sharp corals. So i didn't take off my shoes, and let it wet. I was thinking of taking great scenery pics of these large rocks. But when i tried to set my camera my friends were calling me (it's shouting actually) across the rocks, asking me to take pictures of them-_-

So many rocks, eh? They were sharp and slippery. We had to walk slowly or we would lose our head (?) naah not that bad actually:D

A high rock or coral, perhaps. It's like a natural breakwater. I was taking its picture continuously when the wave hit the rock. I made it as a gif.

Click to read more!

We've got ears say cheers!

Hi everyonee! It's a long time since i posted something here :D
So  i decided to share some pics i took last saturday. It's a fantasy festival to celebrate my school's 22nd birthday. Luckily we got mickey mouse as the theme. Too bad that it was not well prepared as we got busy doing school task (an essay) that had to be done a day before the occassion.
We really do it in a rush as we couldn't complete all the stuff we plan to do.
Even if it was frustating and i got my self in despair, the result is good enough to made us smile :)

Here are the decorations. No words to describe except cute!

the waves

7 Top Indonesian Cuisine in My Version

Hello everyone!

Trying hard to sweep spider webs on my screen. lol no. Well, it's been long time since i publish the last post. I'm not running out inspiration but i'm running out my willingness to write hoho. So many inspirations but so lazy to write. 

But today, i come with something different. This idea just came in my mind when i'm eating sate and i realize how i really love indonesian food. I have a truly indonesian tongue although i don't really like rice. Weird isn't it? Can i still be called having indonesian tongue? hoho. Let's just go straight to the point. 

In this post, i would like to share what are indonesian foods that i'll surely miss when i'm abroad. Cause i'm planning to go abroad someday. No, sorry, i'm dreaming to go abroad someday :D

• Martabak

Martabak is a kind of thick fried pancake. In Indonesia, you can easily found martabak in roadside eateries called kaki lima. Indonesian martabak not only comes in sweets; cheese and chocolates but also savory version that resembles a crispy fried crepe with a curried meat or egg and vegetable filling. 

savory martabak

sweet martabak

• Padang Food

Padang is a province located in West Sumatera. Padang's culinary is undoubtly famous around Indonesia. If you're Indonesian you surely have tasted one of Padang food. One of the famous Padang food is Rendang. Spicy rich! Much better if eaten with hot rice. Sexy food ever.

click next for more!

Someday!!

SOMEDAY AMIIIIN!

You will always there

Dari jiwa kosong di ruang hampa, perlahan aku mulai merasakan tubuhku. Aku merasakan hembusan hangat nafasku sendiri. Aku mengerutkan dahiku dan kubuka mataku. Ku usap keringat yang bercucuran dari dahiku. Aku tak sadar sudah berapa lama tepatnya aku tertidur di atas sofa. Tanpa persetujuan pikiranku, tubuhku telah mengistirahatkan dirinya sendiri. Mungkin tubuh ini lelah menunggu komando dari pikiranku yang bahkan tak sedikitpun memikirkan hal lain selain satu hal yang tak berujung. Mungkin pikiranku tak ingat bahwa ia masih bertanggung jawab atas tubuhku. Mungkin terlalu banyak sekelumit hal-hal tak penting yang membuatnya lupa akan tubuhku. Ya, lelapku kali ini benar-benar mengistirahatkan pikiran dan hati. Walau hanya sebentar, aku sangat bersyukur tuhan masih memberiku nikmat untuk merasakan damai. Damai tanpa pikiran yang tak mau berhenti berputar dan hati yang tak mau berhenti bergolak resah. Ya, walau hanya sejenak.