Losing Time

I woke up and drew the 966th line on that white wall, the wall I've been waking up to since 965 days ago. I slept when I was thinking of death, just like the other 965 nights. 

It's the D-day.

The Enchanting Performance of Wayang Kulit Purwa

credit to: Atha Al-husna (my Sasing friend)

Last week I was assigned to watch Wayang Kulit at PKKH UGM and make a five paged report of the show. This show is one of the events of FIB's Dies Natalis/anniversary. The Dalang was my teacher who is teaching me in folklore and mythology course, Pak Eddy Pursubaryanto. He got my friends and me to read a novel entitled Anak Bajang Menggiring Angin, which was written by Shindunata. The novel characters are those who appeared in the wayang show as well.

credit to: goodreads

Before the puppet show started, there was a lecture done by Mrs. Kathryn (Kitsie Emerson). She is a spontaneous translator (English) of this Wayang show. She explained about the spontaneous translation to the audiences. She also shared her experience as a spontaneous translator of Wayang/Puppet show.

Mrs. Kitsie  has been learning Wayang and become spontaneous translator for almost eleven years. She has been to many countries as well to attend Wayang show and work as the translator. She can play gamelan and she can also ‘nyinden’. She speaks Bahasa Indonesia and I was amazed to know that she can speak and understand Javanese (Of course she does as Dalang in Wayang shows speaks Javanese).

source: images.google.com

The show was translated into four languages, there were Arabic, Indonesia, English and French. The translators’ skill was jaw-dropping. They were spontaneously translating Javanese to many languages. Super awesome! The translators typed on a laptop and we could see the translation on screens. They were so fast.

The wayang performance began at 8p.m and ended at midnight. There were free snacks (Angkringans) offered in the show. We were also brought our own snacks.

 The show was opened with the traditional music playing and the ‘sindens’ singing. Not just the opening, the whole show used traditional instrument and sinden as the sound effect/back sound. The traditional instrument players and sinden/singers are so young yet so talented. Most of them study in Institut Seni Indonesia (ISI) Yogyakarta. They perfectly produce beautiful and melodious sounds.

I was so excited to watch the wayang show as it was my first time.

Unfortunately I don’t understand Javanese. So I relied on my friend, Aye, and the translation screen to understand what was the dalang said. It was hard to focus on both wayang and the screen and I think I missed a lot of great scenes.

Chinese New Year

Yes, it is super late to say but allow me, "Happy Chinese New Year! Gong Xi Fa Cai!"

I am not Chinese and I didn't celebrate it of course. But I went to see the new year ritual and celebration in Semarang. 

I promised to post something on my blog about my last trip to Semarang and I haven't had time for that. So before it gets later and later, I got the idea to just copy-paste the e-mail I've sent to my friend, Kate, about it. Sorry:(

New Life Stage

Last night, I was digging old posts of mine on this blog and I realized that I've been through a lot of shits! LOL. Reading my old stories was like reading another person's writings. 

Hmm, perhaps that impression just appears as I stopped posting anything on this blog for a long time. I stopped posting stuff here because I didn't think anyone would be interested to read.

Life couldn't get better. I read this post http://thelensoflife.blogspot.co.id/2015/04/kenapa-sastra-inggris.html#more and I feel so so so thankful. I have achieved one of my dreams!

I am now a student of English Department, Universitas Gadjah Mada. Yes, I am now living in Yogyakarta. It's a wonderful city just like I had been dreaming. Here, the more human I am. I can be myself. I love it here! The people are less judgmental than the people from the city I used to live in :p It has almost every place you wish to go to. It has beautiful beaches, mountain, museums, etc.
I went to wonderful places and I really want to share my experiences. But, it's getting difficult to write in English now because I am a student of English Department and somehow I feel like people's expectation is getting higher. I have to mind my grammar:(

But i will try!:)

Hoarder

I walk into the grocery sections, looking at my shopping list. I stop and sigh, this is so hard i can't make it now. I crumple the list and throw it into the nearest bin. I have put plenty of things that are not written on the list. Two times more than what I have written. Or even much, much more. Like ten times? i don't know. I just put everything that catches my eyes into the chart.  I don't care whether i need it or not.

I continue to walk just to stop within seconds. I see an elderly diapers. What a cute box! You tell me i don't need it, i will keep purchasing it. Whatever, i don't care.  I put it into my chart and now it's full. Stop, enough please, i beg to myself. But then again, on the way to the cashier, the toy sections grab my attention.

The inner conflict starts to appear again. A side of my brain tells me to stop while on the other side, it creates excuses to buy it. I know i don't need toys, but this one is good. I can give it to my daughter. Nothing to lose, right? I lift my hand to grab it, but something makes me stop. I slowly drop my hand.

I can give it to my daughter.

That sentence stroke my heart, echoed in my mind. I get down on my knees and burst into tears as i realize that they just left this morning. My daughter and my husband. Left me alone to live with my disorder. My life is a total mess. A hoarder like me doesn't deserve a family life.

***

Kenapa Sastra Inggris?

Time really flies. I can't believe my high school life will be over soon. I'll be having my national examination next monday (please wish me a tons of luck!) and after that it's really over. I really really hope i can get pass the SNMPTN or SBMPTN or any kind of test so i can study as a freshman this year. As i stated in the title of this post, you don't need to guess what major i'll be taking in the university. Yes, it's sastra inggris/english literature. Some people wonder why did i chose that major because apparently english literature is part of ilmu budaya which suppose to study social science (IPS) while i'm a student of IPA.

So actually, this post is an answer to those who asks me why i am planning to take english literature as my study and why the hell i am lintas jurusan. Sebenarnya sih, ini hanya copy-paste saja dari tugas esai bahasa Indonesia Hahaha. Jadi maaf kalau format dan bahasanya memang sangat esai. But I've made it shorter because it's too long. I've also removed some paragraph that i don't want to share because it's too personal and too private.

So here's the answer to those who's been asking me.

Another Flash Fiction

Matahari mulai merendah. Sinar jingganya mengintip dan menyelinap dari balik gedung-gedung. Aku menutup pagar rumah temanku dan berjalan menapaki gang kecil menuju jalan raya. Hari ini benar-benar menyenangkan. Bermain bersama teman, menjadi diri sendiri dan melakukan hal-hal normal lainnya yang biasa dilakukan anak sekolah dasar. Sesekali, aku memang perlu melakukan hal-hal semacam itu. Aku berhak memperoleh kesenangan walaupun aku tahu, akan ada harga yang harus kubayar untuk kesenangan kecil itu. 

Aku terus berjalan hingga gang rumahku tinggal beberapa langkah lagi. Aku memperlambat langkahku. Kesenganganku mulai terhapus, digantikan oleh kegelisahan. Otakku mulai berpikir tentang apa yang harus kukatakan pada ibu. Tidak mungkin aku jujur, aku telah meninggalkan  tanggung jawabku hanya untuk bermain. Ibu pasti marah besar. Ah, tak apalah, aku berbohong untuk kebaikanku kali ini. Rasanya lebih baik berdosa daripada dimarahi ibu. 

Kubayangkan pertanyaan yang akan dilayangkan ibu dan bagaimana aku akan dengan percaya diri menjawabnya. Namun, semakin aku dekat dengan rumah, keberanianku semakin goyah. Ingin sekali aku berputar balik dan lari sekencang-kencangnya, menjauhi rumah. Tapi aku tak bisa. Aku harus tahu diri bahwa ibu lah yang sudah menyekolahkan dan menghidupiku semenjak TK. Sudah sepatutnya aku menurutinya. "Klik" aku memutar gagang pintu. Keberanian dan kepercayaan diriku runtuh ketika aku melihat ibu terduduk. Semua skenarioku buyar.

Aku hilang kontrol. Kacau. Aku bahkan sudah berkata-kata sebelum terlontar pertanyaan dari mulut ibu. Rencanaku untuk berbicara dengan percaya diri dan meyakinkan gagal total, suaraku bergetar hebat dan mataku panas. Setelah menyadari kebodohanku, aku menundukkan kepala. Aku tahu aku sudah runtuh, sudah kalah. Hanya akan mengalir air mataku bila kulanjutkan. Hal yang terjadi selanjutnya sudah bisa kutebak. Ibu meninggikan suaranya. Aku merasa semakin tak berdaya saat ia bilang ia tahu aku berbohong. Ibu memang seakan tahu segalanya, setiap cela dalam diriku. Selanjutnya, seperti biasanya, aku hanya menunduk dan menyembunyikan air mataku.

Inilah harga yang harus kubayar.

***

That's it, another flash fiction i made. I came up with this idea when i saw my step sister caught lying by my mom. She told my mom that she was having tutor at school while actually she was playing in her friend's house. 

This is so random. I'm so random. Just wanna tell you that even the simplest thing happen in daily life can strangely inspire me to write something.

I'm having the national examination in 2 days and my preparation hasn't reach 50% yet......... and now i'm blogging.

i'm on my way

2013 to early 2015 has been a rough time for me.

It all started just right after one night, when I felt so despair. Yes, to a deep thinker like me, mind could be so poisonous. I thought that everything I did was futile. I failed in making myself fit in the society. I’m too different, I’m too complicated and I can’t even explain. I was just so tired making themselves understood. No matter how hard I tried to be myself, no one seemed to get my point. I was thinking that being me is not acceptable. Seemed like no one thinks the way I am, no one got my ideas, no one finds my interests interesting, no one. It was depressing when I asked them things I’ve been questioning in my mind and they couldn't answer it. They blamed me for thinking that way. So practically they blamed me for being me. I tried to explain them that it was just the way I am. It’s the natural me, I didn't make things up. I was born that way, although I have never asked to. But no, they don’t get it. I started to feel bad about myself. I was depressed for having no one in the same shoes.

That miserable time kept happening as I thought it was just a fucking puberty phase and it would pass as time goes by.

But I can’t lie, mind does kill.

                 

I finally tried to share my things with parents and peers about these depressing thoughts I had back then, but they said that I was just overreacting about everything and  I should’ve taken everything easy. Tragically, I believed in them. I started to change me. I tried to hide from my mind which is a struggle. I tried to be ‘normal’. Just like them. I stopped thinking the way I think. I spent those days by becoming unoriginal, by not being me. I thought that this is the only way to be happy. But as I put more effort to be happy this way, I felt like I get weaker by the time and something chaotic happened inside me; a conflict. 

It's been a year. I felt like I was carrying a time bomb in my head, which get heavier day by day. This conflict happened inside me killed me slowly. My life began messing. My mind became literally sick. Instead of laughing, I got mad to people when they joke around me and I didn’t find it funny. Instead of using toothpaste, I brushed my teeth with shampoo several times. There were also times when I felt so dizzy when I use my brain. I got a headache when I use my brain to think, even the smallest thing like subtraction. That time, I couldn’t study well in school. I literally had studying distraction. My eyes were hollow and my eye bags became darker. I had a mental disorder. For months, my life has been chaotic. How funny that nobody noticed it.

***

The time bomb I was carrying had finally exploded.

I was at my lowest, mentally sick. I no longer did anything I was passionate about, I was no longer a curious person, I was no longer a dreaming person and I was no longer have faith in me. That time, I didn’t feel like I was human. I didn’t live; I was just not died yet as I put no values in my life. I felt bad about myself all the time. I pushed people away and became a skeptical bitch with too damn high level of criticism. All I could think about was negative things, so did my saying. I didn’t even realize that I had no positive energy left in me. I became a dull person who bitching around about everything and always see things from the negative side. I was a very unproductive person. I was only following the rule while couldn't stop complaining about the rule itself.

I wasn’t me.

Just the moment when I became unable to study, I realized that I was literally sick and I can’t just take this easy or I could lose my sanity. I really need help but I knew, asking people around me for their help will only make it worse. This is my own battle. Nobody could fight this for me. So I didn’t tell anyone. They didn’t know I was struggling for something. I was surviving. 

***

It’s been months.

Now, I’m still struggling. I’ve been through so much, but I haven’t there yet. I’m still learning to appreciate what’s in me and I’m still learning how to feel good about myself. I’m on my way to be happy. 

P.s 

For you who think that you know all about me, no you don't.

#1 Flash Fiction

     Di kehidupanku yang lain, mungkin sekarang aku sedang bersenda gurau dengan anak-anakku. Aku, seorang wanita karier yang sukses, berpendidikan tinggi. Ibu menghubungiku tiap akhir minggu, menanyakan kabar cucu-cucunya. Sedangkan ayah tak henti-hentinya membujukku agar aku berkunjung dengan anak-anakku. Kakak dan adik sering mendatangiku, memintai saranku. Entah itu kepentingan keluarga, ataupun kepentingan karier. Tetangga-tetanggaku selalu ramah padaku, tersenyum tiap kali berpapasan. Aku aktif menyemarakkan lingkungan tempat tinggalku dengan mengikuti segala kegiatan. Teman-temanku selalu menanyakan kabarku dan sesekali kita menyempatkan diri untuk sekedar bertemu.

     Ah, betapa indahnya kehidupan yang lain itu. Aku tersenyum kecil membayangkannya. Melihatku tersenyum, tangannya menggenggamku lembut. Aku tahu ia pun sedang tersenyum. Mungkin kehidupanku sekarang bersamanya tak seindah bayanganku tadi. Hanya ada aku dan dia, tak ada tawa anak-anak di kehidupan kami. Aku harus berhenti bersekolah tinggi karena orang tuaku tak lagi sudi membiayaiku. Ibuku tak pernah menghubungiku lagi. Ayah mengusirku dari rumah dengan caci-makinya dan tak mengizinkanku kembali ke rumahnya apapun alasannya. Kakak dan adik tak pernah lagi menganggapku saudara. Aku adalah aib bagi keluargaku. Tetangga-tetanggaku selalu tersenyum sinis dengan pandangan 'jijik' ketika kami berpapasan. Aku dikucilkan. Teman-temanku seakan sengaja melupakanku, mengadakan pertemuan tanpaku dan tak pernah menanyakan kabarku.

Crawl

Tak pernah terjadi sekalipun sebelumnya. Semua selalu baik-baik saja setiap harinya. Terlalu lama seperti tak mungkin akan berubah. Aku merasakan guncangan hebat yang

membuatku meringkuk memeluk lutut sambil menggigit bibir. Ketakutan menggelitik punggungku.
Apapun yang akan terjadi, aku hanya bisa pasrah. Aku terlalu kecil, lemah dan tidak berdaya.

Tempat ternyamanku kini terasa lebih dingin dan gelap. Penglihatanku yang memang belum sempurna seakan menjerit, takut kehilangan cahaya dan buta selamanya.
Dinding ruangan ini pun semakin mendesakku tiap detiknya hingga akhirnya menyentuh kulitku.
seakan tahu aku memiliki tulang yang rapuh dan ingin menghancurkanku.

Disana, kulihat setitik cahaya yang semakin mengecil dan memudar. Tiba-tiba dadaku sesak dan panas. Tangan lemahku mulai meraih-raih putus asa. Berharap aku bisa menangkap oksigen. Kaki mungilku mulai menendang-nendang ke segala arah. Berharap bisa mendapatkan ruang lebih untuk bernafas. Namun tempat ini lebih kuat. Tak ada jalan bagi kaki dan tangan mungilku untuk merangkak.

Ya, aku terlalu kecil dan lemah. Tempat ternyamanku kini membunuhku, tak mengizinkaku menyambung asa. Aku pun terdiam, meringkuk dan berdoa dalam hatiku. Hingga perlahan ototku melemah dan kegelapan menyelimutiku. Aku mulai berdamai dengan semesta. Kupasrahkan jiwaku, kubiarkan tubuhku. Sesaat ketika tenang mulai kurasa, kupikir semesta berkata lain. Aku merasakan sesuatu menendang tubuhku dari bawah. Disana, kulihat titik cahaya yang memudar kini semakin terang, dan aku tahu, aku telah di tuntun menuju cahaya itu. Asa dalam jiwaku yang hancur seakan tersusun kembali, aku memejamkan mata dan berteriak bersemangat menuju cahaya itu.

Aku berhasil. Tak lagi terjebak dinding. Hanya tangan besar dan hangat yang terasa memegang tubuhku. Dadaku mulai terisi udara ketika aku membuka mulutku. Aku tak sabar, ingin membuka mataku dan melihat seindah apa tempat selanjutnya yang semesta sediakan untukku.
Saat kubuka mataku..