Sepi

"Apakah ia kesepian?"

ya, ia merasa sepi.
"Namun mengapa ia selalu menolak ditemani?"
karena hanya orang itu, ia yang meramaikan benaknya di keheningan malam yang bisa mengusir sepinya yang membekukan kalbu. 
"..........."
bukanlah siapa-siapa lagi.
"jadi dia akan menunggu?"
Ya, ia akan menunggu orang itu memohon diri. Menemaninya dalam sepi yang kelak menjadi hangat karenanya.

"Lisa, pergi dari situ. Percaya padaku. Jangan dengarkan dia,"
Selangkah demi selangkah aku mendekatinya yang masih berdiri terpaku di sebrang ruangan.
Di sampingnya, berdiri pria itu. Pria yang selalu menggunakan setelan hitam kaku. Ia menatapku dan menyeringai. Dengan nada yang sama, ia menyalin kata-kataku,
"Lisa, pergi dari situ. Percaya padaku. Jangan dengarkan dia."

Aroma nafasnya menyeruak, membuat udara ruangan berbau darah. Hawa dingin menggelitik punggungku.
Namun, tak sedikit pun Lisa beranjak, malah merosot tubuhnya. Terduduk ia di atas permadani dengan bahu berguncang. Isak tangisnya memecah keheningan malam.
"Tidak, jangan lakukan ini lagi. Kumohon, Han,"
Ia memeluk lututnya, menatapku dengan tatapan yang membuat ngilu hati. Air matanya mengalir deras.
"Kau harus menjauh darinya. Ia menyembunyikan pisau dibalik jas hitamnya!"
Teriakku menghentikan isaknya sesaat.
Seringai pria itu makin ganas. Perlahan ia selipkan tangan kanannya dalam jas hitamnya.

Tuhan, jangan.

Sebelum aku sempat melangkah, benda itu sudah digenggamnya. Sebuah belati yang telanjang. Menjadi jelas dan berkilauan memantulkan cahaya rembulan.
Keringat menetes dari dahiku. Aku terpaku sesaat. Namun isakan Lisa yang kembali terdengar menyadarkanku.
Segera aku berlari. Tanpa ampun kutabrak angin dan kuhajar jarak. Hening malam makin terbunuh dengan suara perabotan berkelontangan terjatuh.

Inhuman

I was miles away when the screen suddenly went blank and the lights went on. Everyone rises from their seat with their hands clapping. I startled and quickly shake my head to get out of my reverie. 

Still in confusion, I join the standing crowd, contributing the noise with an awkward applause.

The movie must be so amusing as giggles and laughter fill the room with warmth.

And I must have lost track. 

To appraise, the movie was great and amazing.

Yet it left me no feeling of amusement. I neither feel fascinated nor impressed. But it was not about the movie. And I have no sentence as the reason.

I look around my surrounding. 

Scanning the spacious room, I am hoping to find another pair of eye with empty stare among this crowd.

But I could not find another human being with bored face just like mine. 

Have I told you yet?

Have I told you yet?

I am afraid of darkness

Yet I couldn't stand brightness

Have I told you yet?

I fear of getting lost

Yet I want to be a free bird

Have I told you yet?

I am afraid of love

Yet I am longing for tenderness

Have I told you yet?

I fear of being messed up

Yet I live with chaotic mind

Have I told tou yet?

I am terrified to see you turn your back on me

Yet I'm helpless to see you in the eye

Let it all rain down, from the blood stained clouds
Come out, come out, to the sea my love
and just
drown with me
drown with me...

Don't bring tomorrow

For tomorrow I'll be left in the darkness
As you discover my monsters
Living in the deepest pit
Darkness will no longer your home
You will soon crawl in a hurry
With your hands letting go mine
Leaving me
And I will drown
Alone
Again

9 p.m. post (News part 2)

The crowd begins to disperse as the rain starts falling. All those people finally left, leaving only me and her mother aside her grave.
I approach her and pat her shoulders gently.
She stops sobbing and look up, like she just remember something all of sudden. She takes something out from her wallet and hand it to me.
"She loved you."
I take it, she immediately left.
I unfold the paper and my heart is torn to pieces when I see blood stains on it.
I recognize it, her handwriting.

3 a.m post: "News"

I have a bad news. I just have my first love.
For the first time in forever, I am madly in love. After months of denying it, now I just come to realize that I truly am in love. Like anyone else been experiencing. Like ummm humans do.
The good part of this news is that I finally feel something like humans normally feel. So I'm not so heartless, eh?

I am the hero

I look at another me in the mirror. I know it wasn’t me. I know it is not Nisa that once was so alive, so cheerful and always curious. That, a person over there is just a body with empty soul.
A figure of man appears in the frame, right behind me. I can see him scanning my body through the reflection. He turn my body facing toward him and he gently stroke my face. I couldn’t help but stare to his eyes. All I see is nothing but lust.
I know what he’s going to do next, just like the other day when my mother got caught storing cassava she was suppose to hand over to  men in uniform or another day when my father caught red-handed trying to bring my mother and I to a picnic in the forest across the border.
He throw me to the bed roughly. Rip my shirt and skirt. The clothes that my parents tore their bone to purchase them. He is into my body, undermining it like a wild wolf. I groan in pain, he grins. I stay still, he moves roughly. This time, I find no rage or fear inside me. I feel nothing, I feel numb. The other night I would cry until the dawn broke, but now, I just lie awake, staring at the ceiling.
“Sshhh, don’t be sad. You're beautiful and you’re a hero to your family. No reason not to be proud of yourself,” he whispers against my ear. His breath smells like dry blood. I couldn’t help but looking away.
He is right. I am the hero of my family. If it’s not because of me, being born as a girl 12 years ago, they would have been in prison.
“Your father wasn’t taking you to picnic. He was trying to kidnap you, take you away from the government. The one that gives you security. He’s no good man. He’s suppose to be imprisoned,” he says as he stroke my hair.
“No, he is a good man. You are not,” I say in low voice.
“I am the man in uniform. You know what you heard about us. We’re the hero. Your teacher already taught you that in school right?” he speaks in higher tone
“Yes, sir.”
“if it wasn’t because of me, your father would have to had his ID card remade. He would be labeled as PKI and no one would talk to him, even stare at him. You understand, flower?”
“Yes, sir.”
I sleep with a hero just the same age as my father. I save my family in young age and I am beautiful. How can I be not proud?

Home

It is already dark outside. I can see nothing but small bulbs from afar, passing away. Nothing can be more boring than that view I see through the dewy window glass. 

I straighten my legs and sigh. I feel so exhausted yet I can't sleep. I have been trying to close my eyes for hours but I can still hear the noise made by the carriage wheel, rubbing against the railway.

It's half past 1. One more station, then I'll be arriving in my destination. The place that I suppose to call 'home'.